Tonight is the first night that I will be staying in our new house alone. (Brian is rolling over in his hotel bed at my blatant advertisement to robbers and assaultmen.) He’s away on business you see, and spending my first night alone in the house got me thinking about what a chicken I am.
I feel like I should share with you – that I have ridiculous paranoia. As in, you are completely irrational and need a professional, conspiracy theory level paranoia.
For example, yesterday I was buying stamps at the post office for a big mailer for work. I order approximately $600 in stamps and the guy behind me loudly asks “HOW MUCH DID THAT JUST COST YOU?!?!?”
Buddy. A) Mind your own business. B) Are you trying to get me shanked in this urban post office? Bro. Lower your voice. Inside voice. C) Wait, are YOU going to shank me over forever stamps?
It is no secret that my neighborhood is “up and coming” with an emphasis on transitional and I watch the League. So now, I have Taco hanging over my shoulder like the little devil he is, telling me that $600 in forever stamps is a big investment and that I will most likely be robbed on my way out of this post office. So I quickly run to my car and drive the 3 blocks home. ( I know. )
I get into the garage, shut the door and walk into the landing. As soon as the garage door closes, I hear it open again. CUE ME FREAKING THE HELL OUT. “Oh lord, they followed me home, they caught the sensor in my garage door and now I am going to die over forever stamps. Help me, Saul Goodman. Help me, Ray Donovan.”
Brian walks in the door, and I immediately scold him for “sneaking into our house” (Entering like a human being.) and “scaring me to death. Did he know I was dangerously transporting forever stamps?!”
I wish I could tell you that this is an uncommon occurrence, but the truth is, I worry these stupid things all the time. No one wants your stamps, Whitney. Lock it up.
Just as a disclaimer, the stamps are no longer in my house should you decide that tonight is a good night to rob me for them. Also, there aren’t any leftovers, so once again, no need to rob me tonight. Thank you.
- boneless skinless chicken breasts - 4
- flour - 1/4 cup
- butter - 3 tablespoons
- mushrooms - 1 8 ounce container
- Sherry - 1/2 cup
- beef broth - 1/2 cup
- parsley - 1/4 cup, chopped
- salt and pepper - 1/2 teaspoon each
- heavy cream - 1/4 cup
- provolone cheese - 4 slices