Glazed Donuts

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am Southern. There are just things you’re taught when you’re southern that others aren’t.
When I find myself in communication with an exceptionally rude human being, it takes everything I have in me not to sass them to high heaven. (I am a fire sign, so I get a little heated sometimes.) I want to tell them their face is ugly and I don’t want to be their friend, but that’s not very southern of me.

Because the truth is, when you’re southern, you’re taught to be respectful, polite and charming all the time.  Even if you seriously want to poke someone in the eyeball, you can’t because then your mom will kick your ass when you get home.  Clearly not in front of anyone, because that also, is not being very southern.

And when I have these interactions with exceptionally rude human beings, here is the natural progression of how my mind works versus what I do.

Rude Human does something really rude or says something passive aggressive to my face.

My brain says: “I will seriously kick you in the shin if you try to make me feel small with your words.”

My mouth says: nothing.

Rude Human walks away feeling victorious by their passive aggressive interchange.

My brain escalates to: “WHAT A COW! I seriously want to march over there and give her a piece of my very non passive mind. I hope she chokes on a twizzler.”

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My mouth says to my husband (the only person besides your best girl friend you can complain to):  “You are never going to believe what that COW just said to me!” I recount the story with a justified air.

When his response is less than horrified, I take the story to my best girlfriend, who then responds appropriately by saying, “What an absolute cow.  You are so right, she was raised in a barn.”

Then my brain goes to a place of extreme justice: “I am so above this.  I won’t even dignify her with a response.  She is just jealous of me.”

So my mouth says nothing.  Then 30 minutes later the southern gilt creeps in because I called someone a cow (if not to their face, in my mind) and assumed they would be jealous of me.  I start thinking about the fact that she probably doesn’t have many friends because people misunderstand her, and that I should give her the benefit of the doubt.

I feel peace, knowing that I am behaving how my mother would want me to behave, until the next day when the same rude human proves to be just as rude as she was the day before.

Then my brain escalates back to: “She really is an effing cow! HOW RUDE.”  It’s a vicious cycle, but the moral is that us Southern girls are never, I repeat ever, rude to your face, no matter how rude you are to us.

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Why?

BECAUSE OUR MOMS RAISED US RIGHT. (you cow.)

In other news, it might be time for my period, judging on my above story on how I deal with passive aggressiveness. I think I’ll eat some donuts now.

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(yes, yes those are poprocks on a donut.  you’re welcome.)

Glazed Donuts

By Whitney, April 3, 2013

Glazed Donuts

Want Chocolate Glazed or Regular? Ok fine I got you.

Ingredients:

Instructions:

In a measuring cup, combine the yeast and warm water and let sit for 5 minutes until frothy. In a stand mixer, combine 1 cup flour, sugar, salt, shortening and yeast mixture. Add egg and milk to flour mixture. Beat until smooth. Add in remaining flour to form dough. Cover with plastic wrap and let rise in a warm place until double in size, about 1 hour. Turn out dough onto floured surface and roll out to 1/2 inch thickness. Cut out donuts with a donut cutter. Heat oil in a large dutch oven until a deep-fry thermometer reads 350°.  Working in batches, drop donuts in oil.  Cook, flipping once until golden, 2 to 3 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer papertowel lined plate. To make the chocolate glaze:  Combine the chocolate, corn syrup and heavy cream in a sauce pan and heat until melted and well combined. To make the plain glaze, heat the butter, milk, vanilla and powdered sugar in a sauce pan until well incorporated. Dip the cooled donuts in either glaze.  Eat your feelings.

Love,

Whit

 

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Whitney

About Whitney

Whitney is the Founder of Whit's Amuse Bouche, a nationally recognized food and humor blog. When she's not in the kitchen, you can find her with a glass of california cabernet in one hand and a hot glue gun in the other. She prefers sweat pants to real ones. View all posts by Whitney →

2 Responses to Glazed Donuts

  1. I very honestly laughed out loud reading this. Of course there’s always the ultimate Southern passive-aggressive polite response:

    Oh bless your heart, honey!

    There are times that I love being Southern just because I can say that with exactly the right amount of pity and hidden snideness. :)

    Reply
  2. This CRACKED. ME. UP. There is someone in my office who makes me feel this way DAILY, and every once in awhile I have this “bless his heart, he probably means well deep down, he just doesn’t know how to express himself because he’s not as socially evolved as I am” moment that almost immediately fades when he walks over to tell me how to do my job better (even though he is so not qualified to do so).

    Also, I’m so glad you posted a doughnut recipe! I’ve been wanting to make some forever and couldnt find the right recipe. This looks excellent!

    Reply

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