The PMS around these parts is running so thick that even I am shocked with the things flying out of my mouth. Now that’s saying something. Usually it takes some pretty ridonk things to shock me. Poor Brian is living with a modern day Cybil.
He’s all “How was your day, honey?”
“It was fine, if you consider being in meetings ALL DAY fine, while a semi truck full of flying daggers crashes through your uterus. That sounds fine, right? So yea, it was fine.”
He says “Oh, you’re not feelin’ good? Did you take your bra off yet?”
“A bra removal is not going to fix the the Auschwitz level harvest happening to my eggs right now, Brian. But thank you for reminding me that it’s six pm and I am still wearing this death trap of a titty harness. Also, let me remind you that if I had taken my bra off, you and the rest of the tri-state area would have noticed that. Thank you.”
…. “Are you crying?”
“I’m really sorry I made Jewish reference about my uterus. That was so ugly. Do you know what else is ugly? My heart. It’s black and dying because it’s my time.”
He pulls out the chocolate chips. I put a handful in my mouth and continue to cry. Then we silently move through the kitchen, both of us completely aware of what needs to happen without saying a word. We are making PMS cookies.
He pulls the butter from the fridge and I grab the brown sugar. He turns the oven on and I take off my bra.
We make PMS cookies, which are just brown butter chocolate chip cookies that you make in a muffin tin. Why? Because there is not a cookie big enough to satisfy a girl going through the rage fest that is her time. He knows not to ask questions, but just to load the muffin tin as full as it allows. He pours me a glass of wine and he rubs my shoulders while I measure the flour. It gets everywhere, and he knows he’s the one cleaning that shit up.
I cry even more because he knows exactly what to do. When the cookies are done, I apologize for being a wretch and tears stream my face while cookie crumbs simultaneous fly out of my mouth. I feel overwhelmed with gratefulness as well as horror at what I must look like right now. So I eat another PMS cookie, clearly.
Should you find yourself in a similar situation, I implore you to keep butter and chocolate chips on hand at. all. times.
PMS Cookies
Ingredients:
- butter - 1 stick, browned
- egg - 1
- brown sugar - 3/4 cup
- sugar - 1/4 cup
- vanilla - 1 teaspoon
- flour - 1 1/2 cups
- baking soda - 1/2 teaspoon
- salt - 1/2 teaspoon
- semi-sweet chocolate chips - 1 cup
Instructions:
Love,
Whit
Oh my, our ovaries are perfectly timed! I am just taking some more butter out to make these tonight….chocolate can only help…..I mean, it can’t hurt, right?
Chocolate has never hurt anything except for my button up jeans. Which those things are torture devices anyway.
Oh man. I feel your pain… :/
Thanks Sasha. Being a woman is tough.
It’s nice to know I am not the only raging PMS Queen out there. As I sat reading this, it was like reading my own life story. It made me laugh. Sorry not really at your expense because I share in you pain. Eat those PMS cookies!
Us PMSers gotta stick together. And go ahead and laugh at me, I would laugh at you if this were your story!
This post made me laugh out loud for real.
I love you.
Seriously. I’m cracking up. Out loud. Had to read this to my husband before bed. Thank you!
I’m definitely making these – PMS or not! Thanks for the laugh!!
These are in the oven right now! Can’t wait! Hubby wanted something sweet, and I have been craving these since I read your hilarious post! Thanks!
What is the significance of browning the butter? Please tell me that it takes away the fat…
Why Heather, I think you are onto something my dear. Browning the butter in fact does take away the fat.
I made these, and I didn’t have PMS! However, 10 minutes was absolutely not enough time for these to bake in my oven, and our oven runs hot. I ended up pulling them out after 10 minutes. They’re not cooked in the center, but they’re still tasty.
Hi Tasha, sorry your cookies were undercooked! Did you let them sit in the pan for about 20 minutes while they cooled? This keeps the cooking process going and allows the cookies to firm up, that is about how long I waited before pulling them from the pan. If that doesn’t work, of course just add more cook time, but I like my cookies really gooey.
I think they sat in the pan for about an hour before I took them out. When I took them out of the oven, they looked more like yours, but when I took them out of the pan later, they had sinkholes in the center. Still delicious, but I probably can’t share them with my pregnant sister.
These sound amazing! My poor Fiance cringes every time he knows it’s that time! Can I just put all white sugar (I don’t have any brown sugar) or does it have to have brown sugar?
Thanks!
Never mind my comment above – my fiancee made a special trip to the store to buy brown sugar for me
I think reading about your husband helping you make PMS cookies helped inspire him :p